Mentally 21

How old am I? Officially I'm 26 years old this year, 27 in Korean, but I feel as if I'm still 21. I still have the wild crazy streak, unable to make up my mind on what I want to be or where I want to go, and flat-out refusing to grow up and settle down. However, lately I've been experiencing the constant reminders of how old I really am. Friends getting married, their children growing up, and the young boys calling me nuna (older sister). This is forcing me into a state of confusion and uncertainty. I'm forced to once again look toward the future and look within myself and start making decisions. What will I do once this contract is up? Who do I want to be with? Where do I want to live?

For now, I keep trying to put-off the decision making and indulge in the crazy life. Weekends of meeting with friends, dinner, and then late night partying until 6am. I know that I will have to start making the life changing decisions soon but I keep telling myself that I have time. I have 6 months to finish my graduate school application and 5 months to apply for another job in Korea or another country. Maybe I'll just apply to everytyhing forcing my decision to the very last minute. Ha ha ha ha! See, I'm just a young girl at heart procrastinating to the very end!

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." 

I'd have to say that the most childish part of me is my choice in men. I don't know when it happened but somewhere along the line, in Korea, I seemed to have gone boy-crazy. No, not man-crazy, boy-crazy! My first Korean boyfriend was 31 and then after that they got younger and younger. I even went on a date with an 18 year old boy! How did that happen? Why would I even want to do that? Where is the future with a little boy like that? Why would I waste my time? I know, because he was cute!! See, what I mean?! Boy-crazy! I currently have 5-6 boys that I casually date. Nothing serious. Just every once in a while we meet up for a little date. Keep things light, simple, and uncomplicated. More evidence of my immaturity. I refuse to get deeply involved with a man that I'm not sure of. Why put my heart out there unprotected if I'm not sure that it won't get crushed? And really, who wants to settle for someone that doesn't make their heart constantly thump and makes you happy that you're alive and with them. I want someone who thinks I'm perfect the way I am and makes me want to strive to be a better person. I won't settle for anything less and I refuse to get serious with anyone I think is unworthy of my devotion.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

I'd have to say that my views on love and relationships is my most immature and complicated thoughts right now. I mean, I have a few choices for my future and I'm sure that I will find the answer soon but when it comes to love I'm completely lost. I don't even know what kind of guy I want! But I keep telling myself that I'll know it when I find it. I just hope that I have one of those earth-shattering revalations like people do in the movies when they meet the person they're supposed to be with. Otherwise I'm totally SOL! But, everyone says not to worry about it. However, I think they're wrong. I think the way that I'm so guarded and fickle is what's stopping me from getting a steady boyfriend. Most of my friends have boyfriends or someone they're in a complicated relationship with. Then, there is me. I really don't have any prospective steady boyfriend candidates and it's all because of my attitude. I'm scared and I think that boys are like dogs. They can sense my fear and aloofnes and decide it's not worth their time to invest in someone who's not totally into it. So, I'm basically screwing myself over. But, how do you change your attitue with something like this? Who wants to get hurt? NOT ME!

So, at this point and time. I'm willing to accept any advice on the matter because I feel like Hansel and Grettle lost in the woods with no bread crumbs to follow out! So, throw me a few crumbs of advice!